Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
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Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Home #decor warning.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Pandas 🐼🖤
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach