@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: You can find me in da club shawty

Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?

Me: Yes

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@EJGomez

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

@kimtopher22

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

@JB4Realz

I asked my wife to pack a metal fork in with my lunch today.
She did not disappoint.

@iamspacegirl

God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT

Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*

@mack44_d

Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.

@dmc1138

Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”

Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”

Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”

Me: “Nope.”

@shutupmikeginn

Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review

@Megatronic13

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

@Try2StopME

Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”

Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”

Interviewer: “So?”

Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”

@iamspacegirl

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*