dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
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Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I asked my wife to pack a metal fork in with my lunch today.
She did not disappoint.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*