I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
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Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
me irl
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
crazy
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.