Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
You Might Also Like
How all things should be taught/explained.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Feels
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks