My suit made entirely of Hello Kitty Bandaids did not help me much at my hospital interview. Apparently you have to go to medical school.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
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What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Oh, you wash your clothes each time you wear them? Well la de da, your majesty.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
3yo: make me oatmeal
me: *poof* you’re oatmeal
me: *makes oatmeal
<—–Will never confess the actual number of house cats he’s forced outdoors when the owner wasn’t looking