Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
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The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Meow?
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.