@TheBoydP

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

You Might Also Like

@MikeCanRant

My suit made entirely of Hello Kitty Bandaids did not help me much at my hospital interview. Apparently you have to go to medical school.

@BatBatshitcrazy

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

@tastefactory

AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey

@CornOnTheGoblin

[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD

@sarah1mc

Oh, you wash your clothes each time you wear them? Well la de da, your majesty.

@BunAndLeggings

When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.

@Average_Dad1

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

@MaraWritesStuff

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

@novicefather

3yo: make me oatmeal

me: *poof* you’re oatmeal

3yo:

me: *makes oatmeal

@jake_lach

<—–Will never confess the actual number of house cats he’s forced outdoors when the owner wasn’t looking