wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
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Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them