@david8hughes

Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on

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@MomofTeen

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

@UncleDuke1969

ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.

@Biraahwa

Friend: Do you have a bird problem?
Me: No.
Friend: Why is there a scare crow in your compound.
Me: Oh that? That’s for people.

@GrantTanaka

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

@Rschooley

Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.

@dundlewood

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

@KalvinMacleod

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

@drinksmcgee

I told my wife that I married my best friend and she smiled and kissed me on the forehead. To be honest, I was surprised that she was so cool about being in a polygamous marriage with my best friend Frank.

@muskrat_john

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

@Karissajem

So, this woman stopped to ask me if my hair color was “supposed to look natural.”

My hair is purple, guys. Purple.