WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
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“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Our lord and savoury.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots