wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
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Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.