@backporchlady Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
@iwearaonesie wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
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@backporchlady 
@SwartyComedy If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
@JB4Realz me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
@DothTheDoth Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
@LostFelicia I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
@MahnkeaTaylor I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
@trevso_electric What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
@GashleyMadison [at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
@WhaJoTalkinBout My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
@peachesanscream Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”