8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
Me: And motorized scooter?
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
wife [whispers] Josh
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
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“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Teller: you suck at art
“I just love making people laugh” – me, explaining why I do sex
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
God: you’re really fast.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
I’m at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it’s cold.