@iwearaonesie

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again

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@mommajessiec

8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?

@mikescollins

“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”

@Brentweets

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

@rickolantern

The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”

@AndrewsNotFunny

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

@NicestHippo

“I just love making people laugh” – me, explaining why I do sex

@NoogsCorner

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

@rickolantern

They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].

@hollywoodsigh

I’m at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it’s cold.