@mommajessiec
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
@iwearaonesie
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
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@mommajessiec
@mikescollins
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
@Brentweets
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
@rickolantern
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
@AndrewsNotFunny
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
@NicestHippo
“I just love making people laugh” – me, explaining why I do sex
@NoogsCorner
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
@rickolantern
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
@NewDadNotes
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
@hollywoodsigh
I’m at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it’s cold.