@iwearaonesie

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again

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@backporchlady

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

@SwartyComedy

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

@JB4Realz

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

@DothTheDoth

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

@LostFelicia

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

@MahnkeaTaylor

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

@GashleyMadison

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

@WhaJoTalkinBout

My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.

@peachesanscream

Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”

Barista: …

Barista: …

Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”