@iwearaonesie

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again

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@sad_saurus

Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.

@realHamOnWry

My nephew asked, ‘How will I know when I’m an adult?’ and I said, ‘ When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator’

@Sickayduh

CVS clerk: Receipt?
Me: Sure
*God uses 2 fingers to gently close the eyes of an entire rain forest*

@jjhartinger

War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.

@TT_Sunshine_

My son finally overcame his fear and rode his bike without training wheels two weekends ago. Tonight he is googling dirt bikes and ATV’s because apparently he thinks he’s hardcore now

@internetluke

[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth