[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
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If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
drew a comic about my origin story
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.