Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
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They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified