I just forgot about some nachos in the oven, don’t tell me about your hopes and dreams going up in flames.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
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Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
When my wife said let’s do something fun for our anniversary I had no idea she meant together. I’m a man not a mind reader. I forgive you.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*