wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
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You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.