@iwearaonesie

wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]

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@Phaesphoria

I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!

@TheToddWilliams

ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later…}

MY GRANDSON: Dad?

MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?

@KML658

Went to type in build a bear and accidentally googled build a bar. Better idea, I know

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

@Kiirkland

Imagine you playing dead and the shooter yells out “tickle all the dead bodies”

@anylaurie16

7 yo son asked how Grandpa got lung cancer. I said, “Well, he quit a long time ago, but for many many years, Grandpa played Minecraft.”

@myvisable

If a woman is bad at parking it’s because she is constantly lied to about what 8 inches is.

@ImaFlyontheWall

pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window..

@BoomBoomBetty

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend