@sofarrsogud

WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didn’t t-

ME: I twerked.

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@ghostkrogh

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.

@SortaBad

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

@hazelmotes1

I constantly google “how to put your kids up for adoption” so my kids can find it on my search history and know that I’m not messing around.

@thewordy

boys love mysterious girls so don’t be afraid to show up to dates with a shovel and a smear of fresh blood on your collar

@DrakeGatsby

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

@FuckabillyRex

I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.

@iamburtjarvis

[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129

@trevso_electric

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,