WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
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Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that