Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
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Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
I constantly google “how to put your kids up for adoption” so my kids can find it on my search history and know that I’m not messing around.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
boys love mysterious girls so don’t be afraid to show up to dates with a shovel and a smear of fresh blood on your collar
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,