Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
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take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?