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Remember the good old days when we used to get nervous and not deliriously happy when our kids were playing quietly in another room?


Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.


(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)


“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted


If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.


Cop: Know why I stopped you?

You didn’t, the brakes did.

Cop: But do you know why?

Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?

Cop: Get out.


Being a DJ is tough because sometimes iTunes won’t open.


Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.


When a pterodactyl urinates, no one hears it. (silent P)


Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.


I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.