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@Divergentmama

Remember the good old days when we used to get nervous and not deliriously happy when our kids were playing quietly in another room?

@AimeeHelene1

Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.

Ma’am…

(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)

@jonnysun

“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted

@DothTheDoth

If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

You didn’t, the brakes did.

Cop: But do you know why?

Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?

Cop: Get out.

@robfee

Being a DJ is tough because sometimes iTunes won’t open.

@Scottcrates

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

@dubouchet

When a pterodactyl urinates, no one hears it. (silent P)

@HatfieldAnne

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

@joeljeffrey

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.