*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
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Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
getting corrected
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now