Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
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*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.