wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
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so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Raisins are grape jerky.
How is it still this week?
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it