wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
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ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now