wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
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Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
My patience has stretch marks.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Have a lovely day 😊
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
This is my brand.