wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
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BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.