I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
You Might Also Like
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Tough love is true love
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein