@TheGladStork

Wife: why are you smiling?

[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]

Me: I was thinking about you.

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@SamuelHLowe

-Why didn’t you answer your home phone?
-Because I’m walking the dog. Don’t you trust me?
-Of course I trust you! Put the dog on the phone.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.

@AristotlesNZ

Me: Diets suck. Why I gotta do it too?
Her: No I in team
Me: Isn’t 1 in diet either.
Her: Yes there..
Me: I’m too hungry for your mindgames!

@fro_vo

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

@LukeAdams95

Ask your siblings to close your door and they will start telling u how u treated them 3 months ago

@zaiush_sarel

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

@BuckyIsotope

Started to travel back in time to kill Hitler, but then I decided to be more efficient and went back and shot Adam and Eve instead.

@einaregilsson

English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words

@theRealNotJonas

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

@GrrrRach

If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.