Wife: why are you smiling?

[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]

Me: I was thinking about you.

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-Why didn’t you answer your home phone?
-Because I’m walking the dog. Don’t you trust me?
-Of course I trust you! Put the dog on the phone.


I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.


Me: Diets suck. Why I gotta do it too?
Her: No I in team
Me: Isn’t 1 in diet either.
Her: Yes there..
Me: I’m too hungry for your mindgames!


Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America


Ask your siblings to close your door and they will start telling u how u treated them 3 months ago


People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb


Started to travel back in time to kill Hitler, but then I decided to be more efficient and went back and shot Adam and Eve instead.


English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words


My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*


If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.