Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
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Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?