Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
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Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I put the hot in psychotic.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something