@sad_saurus

Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right

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@THEPokerWife

After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.

@11MyJam

Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.

Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.

@De_ja_vu_who

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

@SondraDeeMe

Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.

@superdadatron

Hope you don’t mind if I make transformer sound effects when we switch positions.

@UnFitz

“You can do better than that.”

– people who don’t know me all that well

@theshamingofjay

A disease that kills you and can only be spread through the transmission of bodily fluids. Are we sure we’re not talking about marriage?

@Brewsker

If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.

@OusaMedousa

Your biggest mistake was grossly underestimating the number of egg rolls I can eat.

@LeonEarlgrey

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”