Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
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It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Sorry not sorry.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”