Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
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Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!