My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
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ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.