Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
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Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
me: my friends:
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.