wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
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Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
respect
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.