3yo: what are you eating?
me: [mouthful of cookies] vegetables
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
You Might Also Like
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Doctor: this might hurt a little bit
Doctor: i like you, but only as a friend
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Dating in your thirties is fun because you get to tell strangers intimate parts of your past to help them decide that you’re staying single.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
her: I really want to have a child some day. What about you?
me: define “child”