@iwearaonesie

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

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@Skoog

[fancy restaurant]

me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?

moth date: [shrugs]

@krishna_van

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

@LaziestCanine

Doctor: this might hurt a little bit
Me: okay
Doctor: i like you, but only as a friend

@doktorj

If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.

@Sarcasticsapien

Dating in your thirties is fun because you get to tell strangers intimate parts of your past to help them decide that you’re staying single.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

@SortaBad

[speed dating]
her: I really want to have a child some day. What about you?
me: define “child”