wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

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[fancy restaurant]

me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?

moth date: [shrugs]


Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me


Doctor: this might hurt a little bit
Me: okay
Doctor: i like you, but only as a friend


If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.


Dating in your thirties is fun because you get to tell strangers intimate parts of your past to help them decide that you’re staying single.


Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.


[speed dating]
her: I really want to have a child some day. What about you?
me: define “child”