wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
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Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit