wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
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The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.