God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
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What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Any time I see a pic of Princess Leia’s hair I get a craving for a cinnabon
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
This tweet would get all dressed up and go somewhere special on a Saturday night, but unfortunately it’s married.. so it’ll just get drunk.
When a seeing eye dog poops, who cleans it up? This is the kind of stuff that makes my head hurt.
[driving car off a cliff]
Me: Haha 2019 does have flying cars
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.