Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
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*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent: