WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
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i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.