Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*