@OrdinaryAlso

wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*

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@_wendyb07

I ran over a hat today with my car. I ran over a boot last month. Well on my way to my goal of running over an entire outfit by the end of the year.

@Parkerlawyer

My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.

@Michael1979

Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded

@ElleOhHell

“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350

@GoldenSpirals

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

@Marlebean

Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …

@bea_ker

“Did you guys see me get so mad I flipped a table?”

Yes Tony, we saw it. You’re 46. You have to stop taking your skateboard to restaurants.

@Donnie_Fairburn

The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days