I ran over a hat today with my car. I ran over a boot last month. Well on my way to my goal of running over an entire outfit by the end of the year.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
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My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
M: See you in a week!
“Did you guys see me get so mad I flipped a table?”
Yes Tony, we saw it. You’re 46. You have to stop taking your skateboard to restaurants.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days