wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
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“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!