@OrdinaryAlso

wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*

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@MottoMan_

Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.

@3sunzzz

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

@mommajessiec

Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?

Taco truck driver: Okay.

@lloydrang

The New York Post publishes rumours about Dwayne Johnson. He sues for defamation and wins.

Rock beats paper.

And the crowd goes wild.

@julianpopov

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.

@clichedout

her: i’m going to a concert

me: to see who

her: Bad English

me: sorry, to see whom

@AimeeHelene1

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

@TheCiscoKidder

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

@fro_vo

“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”