WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
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Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.