WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

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“It meant nothing to me, babe. I swear!”

When my girl catches me in the closet eating Devil’s food cake with my bare hands.


A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die 😉


[blind date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a customer service representative.

Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.


Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie


I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.


I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB


if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night


My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night


On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it