@Reverend_Scott

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

You Might Also Like

@TheDailySchmuck

“It meant nothing to me, babe. I swear!”

When my girl catches me in the closet eating Devil’s food cake with my bare hands.

@hipchkk

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die 😉

@UnFitz

[blind date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a customer service representative.

Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.

@ObscureGent

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

@OneFunnyMummy

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.

@SaraThomas84

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

@djangogold

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

@corysnearowski

My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night

@eileencurtright

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it