Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
You Might Also Like
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
saleslady: can I help you
“yes, how many leg holes do these pants have?”
saleslady: ummm just the usual two
yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
How to Be a Librarian:
2. but iSHHHHH
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.