WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
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The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…