Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
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Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
When I was 13 my dad gave me a bunch of socks n said “I heard u grunting in ur room last night, do it into these” So now I poop into socks
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip