wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
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H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active