wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
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The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello