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Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back