Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
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Hey you with the Uggs, Michael Kors bag, iPhone, scarf and super excited voice..
*70 million white women turn around*
If the liquor store didn’t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
ME: so basically it’s like the batsignal except it’s the golden arches so you know when the mcrib is back
SANTA: please get off my lap
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Their fitness instructor is very short.