wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
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[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
I have two kinds of followers
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
The point of your 20s
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.