wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
You Might Also Like
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Rambo Rambow
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?