When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
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We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
You’re like a dressing room
You make me want to take my clothes off and try things
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
*inside camp-out tent*
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*