Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
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My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”