Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
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9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
The real reason evolution started..😂
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.