*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
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My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in