*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
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Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
A bold strategy
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess