@iwearaonesie

*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

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@yaboydil

Guess who I ran into today, Billy.
“Who, dad?”
Your dog, son. I hit your dog with the car.

@yerpalmildsauce

Here it is, folks:

“Do imaginary octopi have …

(wait for it)

(wait for it)

PRETENDACLES?”

@Cycloptomese

My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!

@Aikiwomannc

Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!

Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!

Him: Don’t do it! Get out!

Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!

@TragicAllyHere

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

@portmanteauface

Welcome to adulthood, if you sleep on the wrong pillow you’ll feel like you got in a motorcycle accident for three days

@markedly

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges w/ ur debit card
ME: How’d you know it wasn’t me
B: They entered the PIN correctly 1st try
M: Dear god

@aka_fatman

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

@bmarked21

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”