*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*

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Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”


im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive


Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead


I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see


They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.

I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.


Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn


Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.


Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life


I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.