*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
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There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
look at me when i’m typing to you
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
inventing words: clothing
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Ain’t no way
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free