@Brampersandon_

WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man

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@MarieColette

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

@platinum2000

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

@undeadmolly

What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman

@Rollinintheseat

My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.

@TheTimmyToes

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

@pilau

Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?

Me: Well vampires don’t exis-

Boy: Can you beat a black hole?

Me: A black hole is-

Boy: A rhino?

Me: The thi-

Boy: A T-Rex?

Me: Wel-

Boy: Mike’s dad?

Me: Yes.

@Lucifervor

Hear me out: a new Gordon Ramsay show where he helps kindergarteners with homework.

@2tickytacky

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.