Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
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If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Hear me out: a new Gordon Ramsay show where he helps kindergarteners with homework.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.