wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
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I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.